Cuz a real woman knows a real man ain’t afraid to please her. And a real woman knows a real man always comes first.– Alica Keys “A Woman’s Worth”
A reader passed along the link to an article, Real Talk: 9 Things You Should Know About Men and Marriage. I didn’t know how to respond to the article. More so, I didn’t know who to respond to, so I decided to take a 2-sided approach. This is the version for the Ladies. In bold are the statements from the article. These are the 9 things this Man has decided to tell us. As if some big secret. And so I’ll take it as truth, and tell you how to deal with these 9 supposed “truths”, woman-to-woman.
For my Woman-to-Man version, read, “9 Responses to a Man’s BS. (For the Fellas)”
1) WE CAN CHEAT ON YOU, EVEN IF WE LOVE YOU
Men cheat. Here you have a man admitting it himself. They’ll come up with whatever excuse they can to justify their actions, but really its because society, and we [women] have allowed them to do so. Here are your options:
A) Deal with it. I’m not saying accept, I’m just saying don’t dwell. Over the past centuries the sanctity of marriage has been destroyed by adultery, but those people celebrating 40 and 50 year anniversaries haven’t done so easily. If you don’t want to know… don’t look for it. A bible verse for you, Matthew 7:7 –“Seek and ye shall find.” If you keep hounding your man with the ‘where you at’s, he’s going to act on it, not because you already think he’s cheating, but because you’re starting to piss him off and he’s going to run to someone else who isn’t going to stress him out like you do. Most men are incapable of fidelity unless they’ve consciously decided to. If a man isn’t ready to be faithful, he wont be. You can’t change a man. If you think you can, you’re in for a rude awakening.
B) Actually be his everything. First and foremost, if there is no ring on your fingers, don’t expect a thing from that man. Not saying that marriage changes a man, but men take marriage seriously, and sometimes more seriously than women. That’s why their afraid of commitment. When a man falls, he falls hard. So if he’s married you, you have more a chance of him being faithful… but men still do cheat. The only way a man is less likely to cheat on you is if he’s getting everything he needs from you. This means all types of satisfaction. (You can’t seriously expect a man to stay faithful when you’re giving him none.) If you are everything he needs and more, he’ll be less likely to cross you, because then he’ll lose everything. He’ll lose the one. Men are afraid of this. So if you want to be everything to you’re man, make your man your everything as well.
2) OUR FEELINGS CAN BE HURT JUST AS EASILY AS YOURS
He’s right. They are human. & We do forget. It’s just that they show so little emotion. But for the most part, men aren’t taught to show emotion. Even as children. They’re taught to hold it all in. They’re taught that nothing and no one should be able to hurt them. That “boys don’t cry”. And while I understand the theory behind it, we harden men up from so young, that when they get older, we cant get them to show emotion. We forget that these grown men were once little boys. And really, they still are little boys. All they want is attention. They want to feel love. They want to feel all that extra emotion they were socially stripped of as little boys. Men need attention. They need nurturing. They pretend to be so big and strong that we don’t think anything hurts them. And sometimes, we don’t want anything to hurt them, because we love that big strong man. But he hurts, too. Even if he doesn’t show it. So… treat him like a person. Watch what you say. Because sometimes, things hurt men even more than we could think. Especially words. Respect your man. From your fidelity to how you treat him. As your partner, he deserves for you to be faithful, and as a man, he deserves to be treated like a man… rather like a king –as long as he treats you like his queen.
3) MOST MEN LIKE PORNOS, AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT
Watch some porn. If you really watch a porno, it turns into a sort of… workout video. Honestly. Those girls are doing things I didn’t know could be done. Forreal… if you would just watch the porno, you might be able to take some notes and learn some new tricks. Especially if you don’t tell him you’re watching them. You can surprise him every once in a while. You know (sexually) things get a bit repetitive after a while. This will help you both out.
& if he wants to play with himself and watch his little nasty videos, let him do it. At least you don’t have to do it for him. He’s really not hurting anyone. And those days when you “don’t feel like it” do you really expect him to sit there? Hand him the laptop and leave the room. At least he’s not leaving the house.
4) MEN ARE NOT WIRED FOR MARRIAGE
This just means you have to put in more work to get a man to marry you than a man has to put in to get a wife. A man can get a woman easy. But it’s hard to get a man to propose –with a good ring and actually go through with it. Once a woman gets a ring, she’s pretty much ready to get married next Tuesday.
Just give him time. If he loves you and you tell him you want marriage, he’ll do it. Simply because it’s what you want. He might not want to pick out what flowers will be on the table, but he’ll wear his tux and show up. If he simply doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t “believe in” marriage, while you do, this isn’t the man for you. You have difference aims. If you try to change his mind, you’re in for a log ride… and probably not on the right road.
You also can’t change your mind half-way through. If you start out saying marriage doesn’t matter… than all of a sudden it does, you’re going to have to prove your way into a ring. Make up your mind. Either it matters or it doesn’t. And just because men don’t put as much emphasis on marriage as you do, this doesn’t mean you have to curb your enthusiasm. It’s OK to want to be married. You just have to find a man who feels the same… if not about marriage as a whole, then at least about you.
5) THE FINANCIAL PRESSURES OF RELATIONSHIPS ARE TOUGH AND SCARY FOR US
Tell his broke up shut up & get a job. If he can’t afford to date you, he shouldn’t have pretended to be able to. & if he don’t want no kids right now, tell him he can pick up your birth control from CVS. And pay the co-pay while he’s there. I mean, either you pay $25 a month now or $100 in diapers & formula every month. Y’all choose. Honestly, it is NOT okay for a man to complain about money (in my opinion). We all have money problems. He wants to take on some of the things that come with being a man (ie can’t be faithful) and wants to avoid the others (ie. can you pay my god damned bills?). If he wants to be treated like a man, let him act like one. He should be your man not your son. Tell him pick up the tab.
6) WOMEN PUT A LOT OF PRESSURE ON MEN TO BE CHASTE
Don’t okay him being triflin. Even if you know he is. He should at least have the respect to hide it from you. The day a man tells you about the women he’s dating/sleeping with, is the day you should “delete contact”. He has no respect for you. You have a right to expect him to be faithful if you guys are in a monogamous relationship. Because if he “can’t be faithful” then, shit, neither can you, honey. Don’t let him pressure you if you’re not allowed to pressure him. But also, don’t expect more from him than makes sense. If you’re girl #2 and he has a girlfriend, you can’t expect a thing. If you’re just “friends” you can’t expect a thing. If he’s agreed to be faithful, yes, you can expect him to be faithful.
7) OUR GREATEST FEAR IS TO FEEL TRAPPED IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP
No one wants to be in a bad relationship. So if you want to be with a man, I suggest you try to make it as happy as you can. The happier he is, the happier you will be. A man will treat you only a good as you make him treat you. And the less he can complain about, the less he as a right to be an asshole. But he’s right, soon as guys feel like there is too much drama, they try to find a way out. If a man is treating us dirty, we stick around. We try to change him. We try to make it work. They’ll just find someone else. They leave.
8) MEN NEVER STOP BEING ATTRACTED TO YOUNGER WOMEN
Because when they get old and wrinkled, no one asks, why is he alone? Or so they think. While men are young, they want to be out there getting all these little girls because of one reason: Men get more attractive as they age –then they go downhill. Women are typically at their most attractive in their 20s. Men get more attractive the farther they are in their careers. Don’t be offended at this, because they’ll get old to a point where them young girls don’t even want them. That’s when you become a “cougar”. An old man is always just an old man. An older woman is something different 🙂
9) WE’RE NOT AS ATTACHED TO THE KIDS AS YOU ARE
He didn’t mean it like that, but you have to understand that he didn’t give birth. It’s going to take him time to mentally connect with the child. But you shouldn’t stand for this. Personally, I don’t believe in the sentiment women have where they don’t allow the man to have the baby by himself. This is the exact reason they’re less connected. We allow them to be. HE is the father. Allow him to be the father. It took his semen and your egg to make the child 50/50. So everything should be 50/50. Give him responsibility, and trust me, he’ll get over this “not attached to the kids” bullshit.
My real opinion, though, is that all of those 9 statements are the BS men say to justify their actions.
Read my response to the men here: “9 Responses to a Man’s BS. (For the Fellas)”