God, send me an angel from the heavens above. Send me and angel to heal my broken heart from being in love. Cuz all I do is cry. God, send me an angel to wipe the tears from my eyes.
Amanda Perez, “Angel”
I love that song.
For me, there isn’t one song that describes heartbreak in a better way. No matter the guy or the time or the reason, this one song has always described the exact feeling I’m left with. Ladies, you should really listen to it.
I realized something yesterday.
“Him” met me after work and accompanied me to Harlem (my new hood lol) to pay my rent. Afterwards, we went to a burger spot (next door to the one I told you about in “Table for One, Please”
) for a quick bite. He wanted to go to some soul food restaurant uptown, but I had been bugging him about whether or not he had homework and I refuse to be the reason his grades slip. I had a great time with Him. I always do. He holds my hand and leads the way. He towers over me as if to tell the world that I’m his. If he’s not holding my hand, he has it placed on the small of my back and the truth is, sometimes you just want to be touched. Not in any sort of sexual way… but to have a little bit of a connection to a person. He always allows me to feel “connected”… even if we are just pretending.
And that’s what I noticed… we’re just pretending.
It was a feeling of empty accompaniment. I was on this date.. but I still felt alone. I felt more at peace when I was by myself at the bar that night (you gotta read “Table For One, Please”
. I tend to refer to earlier posts. Keep up, yall! ). I hold his hand and don’t look up at his face. Not because he’s not attractive but because when I look at him I simply don’t see it. I don’t see where this is going… if it’s going anywhere at all. And I know we all talk that BS (especially me) about taking it a day at a time and not planning anything for the future… but really? Can you really stop thinking about the possibilities?
For the first time in my life I am dating. Like really dating. I don’t go to their houses and “watch a movie” and they don’t come over mine. I have men take me out to eat and to see sites with absolutely no intentions (on my part). Sometimes I feel bad stringing them along. Because I’m not sure how much they are mentally planning. Sometimes you meet a guy and you know what he’s thinking. He’s wondering the possibilities and you happen to measure up to what his ideal is. Still, he scores too low on your chart. Then what? How many men I entertained all the while wishing he were someone else? How many men have done that to me? I’m not going to say I haven’t fallen victim to the game. I have. I’m sure every woman has that one man who she liked more than he liked her. That feeling SUCKS. The difference lies in whether you pursue that person. Personally, I don’t. I play along for a while… but I’m a sore loser so I always quit before I fail.
Is it wrong to keep this up? When I’m with Him I’m happy. He makes me smile. He’s fun. He’s a gentlemen –for the most part. And I’d like a little company. I want someone to go to dinner with. To take me to the movies or museum. I want to ice skate in the winter and go for ice cream in the summer. Mostly, I don’t care who’s comin’ with. I’ll go by myself, but the company of a man is different than anything else. Having a man take you out is a complete different type of company than family or friends and it’s the total opposite of solitude. There is no replacement for it. With a man, you have that air of protection and belonging. You feel safe and wanted. When you’re with friends… its all fun, no want. When you’re with family, it’s all safe, no want. It’s the want piece that’s different.
**CLARIFICATION** I’m a straight female so my blogs will be girl/guy, but feel free to interchange terms as fits your situation. People are people, aren’t they?
I know there is something missing between “Him” and I. There is no real chemistry. He likes to talk about how he’ll “lay it down” and granted it’s been a while… but I’ve lasted thus far. I can go without sex. I can’t go without shoes & food (food second, obviously). He wants me physically.. but he doesn’t want… me. When I say me, I mean the essence of me. Everything that is me. Good or bad.
I’m not sure I believe in soul mates.
Maybe “soul mates” is just a hyper emotional term for “Won’t Kill Each Other”. There was a trending topic on Twitter recently, #WhatWomenWant
but truthfully, do we even know? I know myself and I’ll admit it:.. SweetPea was right in “Baby Boy
” when he called us “Unstable creatures”. I do, though, believe in that saying about people and reasons and seasons. You know it. I’ve learned a lot from the men whom I’ve (thought I) loved. They’ve helped me mature into the woman I am today. Some too early, even.
The hardest part about believing them to be “the one” or that I missed is based on one singular fact: it ended. & “perfect”, to me, means that it does not end. “Perfect” shouldn’t hurt. Ms. Perez’s song explains exactly how I feel even still now… this is pretty embarrassing but… there are times when I do cry. I get built up inside and simply can’t understand all that happened and how it all ends. Where did we go wrong? More so, what did I do to deserve pain inflicted so deep I can literally feel in my heart and I can’t bear to say his name? There are only a couple possibilities. Maybe he wasn’t the one. Or maybe I haven’t met the one yet. Or maybe I never will. I was on the phone with Carl last night & he said to me, “Aren’t you glad you went though all that already. Imagine if you had to experience that now.” He’s right. Nothing against all you folk out there happy in love… but I’m glad I got the brunt of my pain out of the way. As I take steps to move up in my career and attempt to reach a point of self-actualization, I don’t have anymore space in my heart or mind for pain.
There comes a time when you have to get passed sex.
After you reach a certain point in your personal journey where you need to surpass sexual/intimate needs in order to reach Self-Actualization, per Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
. Still, you need to have this type of satisfaction. If you are not
satisfied in these areas, you can’t move forward. This then, leads one to question your true motives when pursuing a relationship with a someone. Are you looking for intimacy and connection or is it that you can’t deal with sleeping in a lonely bed? At first, all I wanted was company. There was a time, for me, when the simple company of men meant the most. No real reason, but we weren’t exactly discussing Plato’s politics. They weren’t fulfilling me spiritually or mentally. And then the ones fulfilling me spiritually or mentally couldn’t fulfill me in any other way.
This is when the “Theory of Combination” arises. This hasn’t been written anywhere before here because it’s not scientific. This theory is simply a natural way of thinking…You know the… “If only he had A’s face, with B’s Body, with C’s smile, D’s style, E’s Walk, F’s ambition, G’s Money….he’d be perfect.” And it keeps going. “No one is perfect,” is what people like to say. I despise that saying. Am I perfect in the grand scheme of things? No. But should I be perfect for someone? Yes. Should he be perfect for me? Yes. People have their flaws, in comparison to larger society, but who says that I can’t find a man’s flaws perfect? And that he shouldn’t think the same thing of mine? Why do we give up so easily on perfection? And why am I considered naive to search for it? When I lower my standards, I end up with a lower man. Maybe if I rose my standards and looked in better places, I’d come across the kind of perfect I’m looking for.
I’m just not sure my soul-mate is guaranteed to me. I know that man is out there, the man I want. But does he want me too? Or is perfect, to him, a definition I simply don’t fit? Will my idea of perfection change over time? I mean, it has up till now; I used to like them tall, skinny and light-skinned with facial hair & now I like them big, built and deliciously brown. But if everyone out there is “settling,” then my man might be out there settling for some woman who isn’t me because he doesn’t believe in me. If only we would believe, then maybe that could make it all possible. In faith all is possible. &I’m not quoting that because I don’t mean it religiously. I mean that to say that if you have no faith, that dream isn’t within grasp. You can’t ride a bike if you keep thinking you’ll fall. You can make the shot if you always think you’ll miss. It’s confidence that we’re missing here. Confidence, self-esteem rather, is actually the step right before self actualization on Maslow’s chart. If you have no confidence, low self-esteem, you’ve already failed yourself. You’re preparing to live a life only half-satisfied.
Sometimes I believe. Sometimes I don’t. IDK, see –I’m unstable. And it changes from one sentence to the next. But truthfully, that’s why I live E.O.E — Everything over everything. Everything I want in life over everything that doesn’t matter. I’m going to live for me and be happy and keep dating and takin all these niggas’ money lol.
Until I meet Mr. Perfect. & I’ll only take half his money 🙂