What you about to witness is my thoughts. Right or wrong. Just what I was feeling at the time. You ever felt like this, you vibe with me. Walk with a nigga. Jay-Z The Ruler’s Back
He, rather “Him,” doesn’t have a Facebook or Twitter or any of that. Which I absolutely love. So he doesn’t get updated on my latest posts like many of you do. I’m safe on that end. “Him” also has no idea about this blog. When he asks me what I do in my free time, I say everything BUT blog. I never told anyone I was blogging. They simply happen to read it. People I didn’t expect to read this thing are enjoying my nonsense. Don’t think I haven’t thought about it all: the chances of getting caught out there.
“I’m probably messing up my game, huh?” I asked a friend who might even be reading this. Thing is, I’m not worried about men. I’m mostly sensitive when it comes to writing about things that involve people who know me personally and are close to me. It’s part of the reason I wrote “So Appalling“. I used to write ideas to myself in my iPhone notepad when I had an idea for a blog. One of them read “I say a lot of smack-worthy shit.” Initially, this post was titled “Are You Reading This?” But I think the phrase “smack-worthy” is hilarious. lol. Yup. I do… It would always make me laugh as I scrolled through, trying to find things to write about.
If “Him” did happen to see this… he might be upset. I’ve laid out for all to see my plot to into his pockets. At some points, I’ve made him look like a fool. A Sucker. (I might’ve even called him a sucker.) But I also just met him. I don’t love him or anything of the sort. So if I lose him, I’m not worried about it. If he read my “He’s Just a Friend” post, he’d remember how he acted the night I wrote that and know that he deserved everything I plan to do. He’d see that his being inconsiderate actually brought me to tears (LOL WTF!!) and for a reason: as stupid as it was, he actually did hurt me.
If he were still mad at that, I’d ask that he read ALL of my posts before judging me on one. And if he cares enough, and wants me enough, he’ll read them. If not for me, then for himself. To better understand me in a venue where I’ve never held back. Although Ella is not my real name, I’ve never been realer. If he was unwilling to do so, then…. *Kanye Shrug* On to the next one? lol Because if he took the time to read my posts, he’d see that he really is the only person I’m talking to. He has a day-by-day detailing of everything I do.
Say he doesn’t read this until further down the road. That means there’s more road to travel and he’s been successful up till that point. If he makes it that far, I don’t doubt I’ll let you guys know more about him. The fact that he is sweet. That he is kind and that he looks out for me. That he has an amazing body and a gorgeous smile. That (from what I know) he’s a good father and I admire him for that. That I wish him the best and hope he attains everything he’s working for. But that’s all later. 😉
He should also know that I have the right to be uspet. To clear out my mind. To express my thoughts. Plenty people say plenty things –they just don’t have the balls to say it publicly. They’ll talk all they want about everyone they know. Women constantly talk about their men but wont admit it. I’ll admit everything I’ve said about him. Better yet, I’ve probably already said it to him.
Do you guys think I lie to you? That I pretend to be all witty and savvy and real online but I lie to him? I’ve stopped changing for men. I can’t say I haven’t done it in the past, but with “Him” I’ve been myself. The first day we hung out we talked about the 3 things that make a man: Money, looks and… size. He asked me which one I could do without. I told him size. second = looks. I told him I’d never do without money. Who I am on here, as Ella, is exactly who I am with him. If he reads this, he would know I’m not lying. He knows me y’all. He knows.
I figure though, since I air him out. I’ll air myself out. To be fair. The day after I wrote “He’s Just a Friend“, we were exchanging emails. In response to one of his emails where he was upset that I was taking him lightly, I wrote him this:
It’s like one minute you want to be friends. The next you want to get all emotional. There are times you tell me you can give me everything I want, but then you basically say you can’t promise me anything. I can’t keep up with you. The most important thing you need to know about me is that I’m wayyy too happy with my life and myself to stress about any man no matter how much I like him. I can entertain myself and buy myself things. You know that. So, I have absolutely no reason to chase a man. If you want me, you’ll show me you want me. If not, someone else will show me. I’m not worried. So you’re right, I’m really not stressing it.
On our first lunch date, you said you wanted someone who could handle your time constraints be by your side. Obviously, your not sure if that’s me and there’s a chance you were saying that just to say it because it might have been what I wanted to hear. And it was. I don’t like men with too much free time on their hands. And I don’t like men with no ambition and no drive. I also like time to myself and love to be alone. Your obligations are a major part of why I like you enough to even keep speaking to you at this point. Especially after how you acted towards me night.
I’m a good girl and I know you’re smart enough to have noticed that already. If you want me. I trust that you’ll make it known. You’ve been doing well so far. I’m not worried about you or your intentions with me. I’m no longer the type of woman who is easily taken advantage of. I’ve learned my lessons. You’re wrong if you think I’m afraid of you. I’m just cautious. I might be young, but I guarantee I’m more of a woman than many of the females you’ve met or will meet. Don’t let my age or this smile fool you. Remember, you don’t really know me yet.
I reason I don’t do all this “friends” BS is because its BS. What you really want is for me to stay by your side but not be able to expect a whole lot of time from you. But lets be honest, if we were friends, you’d also be okay with me dating around which I doubt you are. I know you’re worried so you’re trying to play both sides to keep me around. You want to be my man without having to be my man. I understand. And I don’t need that much of your time. But it is going to take certain things to keep me around. As long as you do those things (like you have been), you’ll be fine. & I’ll be here. Trust me. I actually like you because I happen to think you’re a good man. I don’t mind waiting on a guy who deserves me. & it really makes my day when I can see you for even 10 minutes out of an entire week. You make me happy, too. & that’s why I want you and got ahead of myself. I know you don’t want anything serious right now. & BELIEVE ME I’m not pushing for anything. I’m NOT asking for you to call me your girl, I just want you to make sure you take me seriously. I hope you understand the difference.
What you really need someone who isn’t going to distract you from your work. I don’t want to argue about this because your energy needs to be dedicated to that exam. So you can stop worrying. Obviously I’m still here and I’m still talking to you. You should know you haven’t failed me. You just better not fail that test. Don’t worry about me. I think you think I’m upset with you because I’m not feeding into you. Its just that dont argue anymore. Arguing with someone you care about never solves anything. I’m not upset and I’m not angry. I’m really just… chillin. & I just found there’s a Nordstrom Rack 10 minutes from here so I’m actually SUPER chillin 🙂 So really, hun. Stop stressin it.
Sorry that this is so long but I just wanted to let you know how I’m feeling so you can focus on other things…. & I told you I love to write.
So there you go. My business on front street. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I am the same person when I write to him, no? I do like him…. most of him. But he’s not perfect. & I ain’t pressed off NO man. So I’ll air them all out. Just know that the same thoughts Ella thinks on line are the same thought she thinks in real life. I am Ella. This isn’t a persona. I’m not some phantom writer writing for people I don’t know. My friends read this. My family reads this. I’ve promised to be true to you. And I’ve also promised to be true to “Him”. More importantly, I’ve promised to be true to myself. This is me. So when it comes to who is reading and what they might think (especially men) Either love me, or leave me alone.
All in all, like I’ll tell y’all like told him… I’m not worried.
And nobody knows who the hell “Him” is anyways.