How can I love somebody else, when I can’t love myself enough to know when its time… time to let it go?
I got stood up yesterday.
Don’t feel too bad. He took me to lunch instead of the dinner and a movie I had been hoping for. On his account, it was because he had to study (I like a man with ambition). On my account… he spent too much money the day before and decided to put me on pause. Oh well. *Kanye Shrug* So here I was; wearing the 6-inch heels he bought me from Zara and a dress his favorite color… with nothing to do.
There was a time where I would have just called someone else. And don’t get me wrong, I thought about it. Remember, I lost my phone a couple weeks ago (in “Delete Contact? Absolutely”) with all of my “in-case” numbers. I also said that I wasn’t worried because men always call back. Yes, men… you always do. Since then, my “in-case” numbers have piled back up without any work of my own. But as I scrolled through my contacts, I simply wasn’t interested. When a female scrolls through her contacts, it goes something like this…
Too needy… bad conversation… not even that cute…. fuck him…..broke….
I had no one to call. More so, I didn’t want to call anyone and fuck up my good mood on a Friday. (I wish y’all could have seen this outfit. I KILLED these city streets.) So I made other plans. Times like this are when you do things you have to do. I have to look for an apartment so I visited some places. In the past, I’ve been the type to put things I need to do on hold so that I can enjoy moments with a significant other. This is always a mistake. In some ways, this is equivalent to saying that person is more important than you are. I’ve learned my lesson (read “When He Left Me“) so I’m now against putting anyone above myself. You have to love yourself more than you love anyone else to fully understand how that person should love you. The less importance you put on yourself, the less they have to invest in you. I was stood up last night because instead of going to class on Thursday, my new boo took me shopping. (smiley face) So.. he did what typically doesn’t happen to me & earned my respect. He cancelled. He has an exam on Monday he needs to study for and…. anything that can help him make more money (and potentially allow him to “afford me,” as he says), I support 200%.
Additionally… I didn’t have to call anyone. I like this new guy for reasons beside from (not aside, but beside –like… side by side) his spending money on me. Somehow he kept me entertained all night. We didn’t talk while I did the apartment visiting… but I got lost and found my way to Borders around 9:30pm –Sidenote: the greatest thing about New York is that things are OPEN. and they are WITHIN DISTANCE even for someone without a car. While in Borders, I decided to take myself to dinner (If a man can take me to dinner, I can take me to dinner, too) so I thumbed through the 2011 Zagat book for NY nightlife and dining. In the table of contents, the was a section called “Singles Spots” on page 345. There were only about 370 pages in the book. & According to the map, none of these “singles spots” were anywhere near me. So, I texted my new boo ( that term is a bit obnoxious, but what do I call him?? ummmm…. Since he’s the only one at the moment, & doing pretty well, we’ll call him, Him.) I told Him that I wanted to find a sit down spot where I could have a burger. This man texted me directions.
It was like he took me out without having to be there. The spot, Jimmy’s Burger Shack on 31st & 8th, ended up being a go-to bar after the Knicks game, so I was the only one with a meal while everyone was ordering shots and chanting. Me and Him texted the entire time about my apparent inability to be faithful. He was the first person I had told the truth to: I’ve never been faithful to any boyfriend I’ve had. Ever.
My only explanation for why was “I wasn’t ready”. Like I mentioned before, I used to put myself aside —Like completely out of the way— to please a man. That’s how I lost myself. I always needed someone there to make up for the space I couldn’t fill myself. I needed friends & men for entertainment. I couldn’t simply enjoy time with myself for myself. So if my “man” couldn’t entertain me, I’d find entertainment elsewhere. With no hesitation and no remorse. But last night, at that noisy bar full of mingling singles, I was so content with myself. Me & my chili, cheese and bacon burger (with a Blue Moon to top it off) had the time of our lives watching recaps of the Bulls/Celtics game even through the drunken mess. It was blissful.
I couldn’t be alone. And honestly, I don’t think I loved myself enough. So I couldn’t love anyone else fully either. I was looking for satisfaction outside of myself at every turn. Now, I know how to satisfy myself. I enjoy myself. And as I texted Him back, if I’m not in something serious, I’d rather be alone.
I plan on doing a lot of this. A lot of dating myself. Treating myself well. Partially because I deserve it, and partially because I can’t always depend on a man to entertain me. Additionally, Him needs time to focus on his classes and that degree… and if I can help Him reach his dreams, he’ll be able to get the Tiffany ring* (*shape & carat size subject to increase) I’ve always wanted & I’m set for life 🙂 lol I mean, Ashley once said I’m a sucker for a charity case** At least I’ll know that I don’t need him. And he’ll know that I don’t need him. Actually… we’ll both know that I don’t need anyone. Because what happens if he leaves me or if things don’t work out? I go back to being lonely?
Fuck that, Table for one, Please.
PS: I hope you all enjoyed my theory on “Aside vs Beside”, a chapter Strunk & White failed to include in the Elements of Style… I really need co-author credits. Thank you, Loyola University in Maryland for providing Writing as a concentration in itself 🙂