On September 24th, I deleted a “friend” from my Facebook account. I also deleted the friend I had met through her and her boyfriend. I did it all during/after writing my post “Things You Shouldn’t Say“. In reality, we haven’t been friends like we once were for almost 2 years now. Yesterday, she sent me a friend request. & It’s still sitting there.
How do I explain to her why we’re not friends anymore? I mean… both figuratively –like Facebook friends– as well as literally. If it wasn’t for this girl… I would have hated college. Granted, I had other college friends who did their fair share in keeping me in school, but this one girl gave me life. The more we hung out together, the more we looked alike, talked alike thought alike. It seemed as though we had our own language. We though the same things were funny. The same shoes were cute. The same outfits were stupid, the same dresses were fly, the same girls were ugly, the same guys were lame, the same drinks were pretty, the same clubs were hot, the same promoters were wack, the same music was bad, the same days were to get fucked up!
We were also completely different. I was Peach Martini followed by a Mai Tai, she was an Apple Martini chased with a Cosmo — until the drinks got taller and the nights got longer and things just weren’t the way they used to be. We no longer saw each other. And while this was both our faults, it seemed like there was no effort on her end to mend the loose ends. Unless, she needed some friendship or guidance… that’s when she finally came home. Our biggest difference was that I couldn’t see how she could go back to a man who disrespected her to such a degree… but to each his own.
Even after I held my tongue and made no further comments, secrets were told… well, only mine. My business was laid on the table for all to see –literally– and I felt betrayed beyond repair. But the mistakes were mine so I decided to ride with what I got and let by-gones be by-gones. Since I still couldn’t settle down a time to speak truths… and we were still warming back up to each other… I simply tried to salvage what we had and keep it moving until the time would came when we had to clear the air. But that time never came.
Every time I saw her, I wanted to talk about it. About what happened. I wanted to ask the whys and tell her how betrayed I had felt but the topic never came up and our lunches were only so long. So I gave up. I know that she’s a great person… but I also saw that the biggest difference between us was. She valued him more than our friendship. I’m not saying this is wrong, but I valued our friendship more than any man. We didn’t see eye-to-eye on that one.
As I looked at her name sitting in my requests box, I wondered what to do. Do I click ‘confirm’ and pretend nothing ever happened? Do I talk to her? What do I say? The same small talk bullshit we did for a year? I do care. I wonder what she’s doing, how she feels and if things are okay with her. She was my friend (or so I thought). What if she’s having a tough time? What if she needs someone to talk to? I would love to be her friend again, but I wonder if I should just let her miss out.
Even if we did try again… would I even trust her? She betrayed my trust, even though it wasn’t all her fault. Part of me wanted to say “When you break up with him, we can be friends,” but that’s childish, inconsiderate and plain stupid. Still, it’s how I feel. And if she does stay with him forever, I will gladly give my congratulations… but I could only be a distant friend. Do I even waste my time? Do I pretend to be nice and talk about nothing? I’m tired of talking about nothing with people who don’t know me. It’s like having half a conversation. Do I need another friend I have to censor myself with? Is that even a friend?
I’m at a point now where I’m trying to decide if I want to have half of a really good friend… or just keep moving as I am. Part of me wants to click confirm and say “WTF”. I wish I could tell her everything. I wish we could sit for hours and talk like we used to. Forreal… there was a point where no one knew me better than this girl. And there was no one I trusted more. She was like a sister to me to the point where I really do miss her mom & dad and even the lazy ass cat.
We had some great times together. But I wonder are those times over? For good? I just moved to the city and I wish I has a pretty friend to run these city streets with. She’d, honestly, be my first pick. Am I to truly say “fuck her”? I mean, this is a girl who held a tentative spot in my wedding party. Should I take this experience with her to say that she didn’t deserve that spot? Or that I didn’t hold a spot in hers? Or do I take this friend request as an opportunity to clear the air and find out where we stand and WTF happened? Sometimes… friendship drama is more taxing than any other type of relationship.
Idk guys, what is Ella to do?